Guide to a zombie apocalypse


zombie apocalypse
Zombie apocalypse
Image adapted from: Zombiepura

If you’re reading this, you’re probably terrified. The education system might not have prepared you for a zombie apocalypse, but don’t panic! Our uniquely Singaporean zombie guide won’t save you, but it will increase your chances of surviving.

*You probably won’t survive long – our population density is too high. You can’t run from 5 million zombies, but here’s how you can try.

If you need more help on surviving a zombie apocalypse, also:

– STEP 1: Defend Yourself from Hordes of Incoming Zombies –

“You turn on the television, only to see the news reporter being devoured by a hungry zombie. Horrified, you look out of your window and realise that a horde of zombies is gobbling up your neighbour’s brains. Your front door might not hold up for long. What do you do?”

Most zombie survival guides recommend guns, but in a land where the nearest guns are in Tekong, how leh? Don’t worry, you still have makeshift weapons at your disposal. Take a deep breath, calm down, then follow these steps:

Firstly, assess your surroundings. 1.-Crowd.gif - apocalypseSource

If there’s a whole bunch of zombies coming towards you, good luck. Your best bet is probably to barricade your door, hide out and pray that the zombies aren’t staking out your house. If you live in a HDB flat, the corridors are narrow, making it difficult for zombies to surround you on all sides. Assuming zombies know how to queue up, they’ll come for you two by two. 1.-WWZ.gif - apocalypseSource I wasn’t expecting that.

Secondly, find out how much time you have to gather your weapons. Seeing zombies far far away is a good sign… if they can’t run. Hope for slow zombies because you can easily outrun one or two and you’ll have time to prepare your weapons.1.-Got-guns.gif - apocalypseSource They have guns. We don’t.

We may not have guns, but my grandmother has a nasty cleaver. But, as everyone knows, knives might get lodged in the zombie’s brains, leaving you defenceless. With a hammer/golf club/your grandmother’s walking stick in hand, you’re prepared for the initial onslaught!

Pro-Tip: Find a hammer. A big one.

– STEP 2: Find a Place to Stay the Night –

“Night falls, faster than you expected. You know that you’re most vulnerable at night because you’re tired and you know you need sleep. You’re alone. As you scan your surroundings for zombies, you can’t help but worry: where are you going to sleep?”

We don’t suggest moving too far away – being out in the open makes you an easy target for fast zombies. If the place around you is secure, stay there. If not, find somewhere in the neighbourhood that you can get to quickly. Looking at the options in Singapore, here are your best bets:

1. Your House

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SURPRISE!

Stick with what you know. Your home is likely to have a decent supply of food and water. Get as much water as you can while the water supply is still functional! If you live in a HDB flat, you might have the height advantage – gravity is on your side when you throw things down the stairs.

Gather your supplies, barricade all entry and exit points, turn off the lights and wait it out. If you’re quiet, the zombies might not even know that you’re there.

2. A Bomb Shelter

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SECOND SURPRISE!

If a bomb shelter can survive heavy shelling, it can handle zombies. A major plus point is that there’s only one entry point. It’s easier to deal with one zombie at a time than many zombies surrounding you, but it’s uncomfortable and you’ll have to transport your food and gear to the location. Good for people who live near public shelters or have one in their house.

3. Go Underground

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SURPRISE X3!

Subterranean defences seem to be all the rage, but we’re not sure it works in Singapore. The sewers and underground areas are prone to flooding. And sewers are disgusting. Better to stay hygienic lah.

Recommended: Your house

– STEP 3: Get Supplies –

“Congratulations, you’ve survived the night. You wake up, safe but hungry. You need food, but the number of zombies seems to have tripled overnight. Now what?”

Assuming you’re still at home, it’s time to venture out to scavenge for food. You’re going to need a backpack, one strong enough to hold all your gear. We know you’re kiasi, but don’t bring everything because you need to be light on your feet to escape from the zombies. Here are some essentials:

  • Food: dry food is good, tinned food is good, basically anything that expires several years later is good
  • A few sets of clothes: leave your prom dress at home – find clothes that are durable, comfortable and hold up well in rainy weather
  • Toiletries (and bleach!)
  • Insect repellent: army-grade mosquito repellent is good
  • Sleeping bag
  • First aid kit
  • Poncho and plastic bags to tie around your shoes: it’s Singapore. It never rains, it storms.
  • Bottles of water
  • A lighter
  • A mirror: to signal with, not to check your hair
  • Sewing kit
  • Swiss army knife
  • A flashlight
  • Duct tape
  • Gloves: you don’t want to be infected during hand to hand combat, do you?
  • All your weapons!

We know Singaporeans love their slippers, but choose a pair that’s waterproof, or at least water resistant. You’re going to do lots of running so make sure you can run in them!

When leaving your house, we suggest proceeding carefully. The neighbour that was zombified two steps earlier is still waiting to eat your braaaains.b2ap3_thumbnail_3.-Outside.jpgSource What it’s like outside

 – STEP 4: Find Kakis – 

“No man is an island. You’ve survived this long, but you’re going to need backup to remain alive. An extra person can be a boon, but can also be a burden. Too large a group and you’ll be easily spotted. How do you choose your team?”

b2ap3_thumbnail_4.-Free-hugs.jpgSource Nothing in life is free

You’ll probably want to call up all of your close friends. Get your head straight! It’s all about survival from now on – if you want to survive, you’ve got to pick your friends well. A wrong choice could zombify you. Before your phone battery dies, you should quickly chope the best of the best. If there’s somethin’ strange in your neighbourhood, who ya gonna call?

The Sharpshooter: It’s always nice to have a gun or two handy, just in case your melee weapons fail you. You’ve probably shot countless enemies using your mouse, but how to use a gun IRL is completely foreign. You’ll need an expert, preferably someone who was an army sharpshooter.

Know anyone from a gun club? Call them up immediately. They might know where to get the guns and they’ll teach you how to operate them. Even if you don’t manage to get any guns, you can rely on their excellent aim to up your efficiency.

The Physics Genius: The zombie apocalypse always comes hand in hand with mass destruction. Suddenly, when the world around you collapses, you’re going to have to build many things from scratch. The physics genius knows how to build things according to solid physics principles (in theory).

Bring this friend along with a scientific calculator and you should be able to build a boat that actually floats, a radio transmitter to signal to the rest of the world or your own electricity generator.

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The Track Star: Most track stars might run away during a confrontation, but if you can find a loyal tracker, you might have found yourself an invaluable scout. While looting or changing locations, you need someone to check out the area first (a la scouts in Team Fortress 2). The track star is speedy and agile, good at evading zombies and popping by multiple locations in a short time.

The Girl Guide/Boy Scout: This girl can navigate, start fires, make baskets, pitch tents, do CPR and knit – basically everything a typical cosmopolitan Singaporean can’t do. You’ll need her if you want to be able to survive in the wild wild world without technology.

In these dangerous times, your team might be attacked by zombies or other groups of rogue survivors. It’s essential to create some form of identification like a special password, preferably something unique that doesn’t sound like a zombie’s moan.

Recommended Team: You, a girl guide/boy scout and the track star as a sacrifice.

– STEP 5: Learn to Loot –

“Your band of survivors may be a motley crew, but you’ve got each others’ backs. Still, it’s not always the more the merrier. More people means more supplies. It’s time to get your hands on some necessities – by hook or by crook.”

Looting is dangerous, and many more Singaporeans will have been zombified before you finish assembling your team. But it’s an important stage of survival – getting food and water is essential for survival. Some tools would be nice too!

Send scouts to check out the place first. Some supermarkets might be overrun with zombies or already looted by other survivors. You’re more noticeable when you travel in a group and it’s not worth endangering yourself only for your expedition to end in failure. At least if one person dies, it’s the scout.

Before going in, make sure everyone knows their role. You want to get in there, get your stuff and siam. Lingering around will only attract zombies. 5.-Run.gifSource Siam or die

Recommended Places to Loot: Grocery stores in ulu areas like Changi, and Home-fix for tools

– STEP 6: Stay Healthy –

“Other than the zombification process, there are other diseases lurking out there that could potentially kill you. Or other humans. Even if it’s just the common flu, being slow and sluggish could cost you your life. How do you stay alive from other threats?”

We suggest avoiding human contact unless you’re absolutely sure they’re not out to take your food (or worse, your life). If you bump into them accidentally, remain polite. Behaving in a civilised manner will encourage the other group to be nice too, but you might want to reconsider your greetings beforehand – in a world where food is running out, greeting others with a “jiak pa buay (have you eaten?)” may enrage them instead.6.-Guns.gifSource Avoid humans with guns.

To avoid unfriendly threats, most “zombie researchers” recommend sneaking out at night because you’ll be less visible. As city-dwellers, we’re not used to the dark. Combined with our shortsightedness, it’s not advisable to bumble around when it’s pitch black until you’ve gotten used to it. Like free rides on the MRT, it’s best to move around in the early morning. And remember your grandmother’s words: you’ll catch a cold if you go out into the rain. Don’t slip and fall!

That’s why first aid is so important. Singapore sits at the crossroads of east and west, giving you access to both Western medicine and TCM. Tablets and herbal tea packets are light and easy to carry along for self-medication. Vitamins in tablet form should prevent you from getting sick. When you feel a flu or sore throat coming on, drowsy medicine might slow your reflexes and make you unprepared for an attack. Drink some cooling tea (raid a TCM store) or eat ‘cool’ food instead of ‘heaty’ food. 6.-Juice.gif - apocalypseSource Zombie juice

Cuts and scrapes are dangerous – exposure to dirt might cause an infection and even worse, you might be sprayed with zombie juices while cleaving one open. Always bring a first aid kit along and protect your body with layers of clothing.

Recommended: Protective layers of clothing, waterproof bandages:

 – STEP 7: Rebuild your Community – 

“Living in a constant state of paranoia is tiring. You crave security, a sense of permanence, or at least a shadow of life before the apocalypse. It’s time to settle down, but where?”

You’ll want to establish a permanent living area, especially when your food supply starts running out. There are a few options but remember that nowhere is entirely zombie-free.

1. The Jungle

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Jungle got zombies

Logic says zombies are attracted to places where there are more humans, so don’t hide in Orchard! The jungles of Singapore aren’t ulu enough, but they’re usually near to reservoirs and you can snack on monkeys and wild boars. Our extensive records of zombie apocalypses show zero instances of zombies climbing trees – you have the all clear to build a treehouse.

2. An Offshore Island

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Island got ghosts and zombies

If Mas Selamat can swim to Malaysia, you can kayak to a nearby island. It depends on whether a zombie can cross bodies of water, but you might be safer on an offshore island. Pulau Tekong is overrated – it’s probably overrun with Singaporeans looking for guns by now. Find some island that has abundant coral reefs for fishing and arable land for cultivating plants. Don’t forget to fortify it.

3. Sail for Somewhere Safe

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Water got swimming zombies

The good thing about being an island is that escape to other places is entirely possible! There are lots of ulu isolated communities that might have weathered the zombie apocalypse intact. And a lot of boats in Singapore. Sail for Papua New Guinea, Australia, Antarctica or wherever floats your boat.

Recommended: Sail for some untouched Indonesian island

– STEP 8. Don’t Give Up Hope! –

“Don’t underestimate the power of determination – you are so much more capable than you think you are. The worst thing in a zombie apocalypse is to give up hope. The moment you cease to believe in yourself, in a better future, you are as good as dead. But how can you remain optimistic in the face of so much death and destruction?”

8.-Run.gifSource Don’t stop running!

If you’ve managed to survive, then you’ve already done the impossible and it’s likely that others have survived too. Keep yearning for civilisation – it’ll inspire you to rebuild your community somewhere else.

Don’t give in to melancholy. Your team is your family now. You’ve got to stay alive for them and keep their hopes (and the hopes of all your zombified friends) alive. If you give up, you’re as good as dead.

You Survive… Barely.

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#1 reason to be kiasu

If you’re still reading, we congratulate you for surviving so long. Just kidding, we know that Singaporeans will read the manual from cover to cover before the zombies come knocking.

The zombies may be physically superior to us sedentary Singaporeans, but we have one thing they don’t have: a brain. Use your brain! Sure, our survival instincts may be rusty, but when your brain senses danger, you’re not going to go by the book.

Be flexible: headshots are great, but immobilising a zombie by chopping off its limbs or knocking it backwards down the stairs are great stalling tactics. And don’t be dumb and use fire – you’re just going to get a flaming zombie that will set you on fire first, then eat your brains. Conclusion-Fire.gifSource NOPE

We leave you with one piece of advice: put down this guide now! The zombies are coming, it’s time to get moving.

GOOD LUCK!


Original article published on 9th March 2015. Last updated by Billy Tran on 28th April 2020.