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My friends tell me I have a very cruel tongue.

And I agree.

I make very quick judgement that can change as fast as it was formed. So it was a nice surprise for everyone when I said I liked Paris Baguette so much I want to lick its walls.

That was when I was a level one, doey-eyed cafe hopper. Cue two more visits to this place and I have finally cracked the code to this place.

Which I will now share with you.

Paris Baguette’s hoo-ha is way out of its expected radius – I am one to not keep updated on cafes because my jokes and innuendos are too loud for small constricted places but this one reached me so it must’ve outdone itself.

So I went with my friends for a food trip to their newest outlet at JEM – in short Jurong East Mall aptly because sassy marketers went “eh we call it Jurong East la easy to remember okay meeting dismissed lai all go eat laoban drink gongcha” and etc.

My four wallet survival tips:

1. Order their royal pudding

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It is honestly spectacular.

I’ve tried a lot of flavours, as you can see, including the ones I received from a nice friend, which was three of their more limited flavours – caramel if my memory serves me well.

And they are all fantastic, with probably strawberry or mango taking the throne and chocolate being tight competition. I like the original but I’ve been pampered by the other flavours. Caramel was way too sweet so I’ll ignore that.

But you have to try them all. It’s the kind of stuff you regret at your deathbed. 

2. Walk past their bread selection a little faster

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I have tried their UFO saucer bread, cinnamon bun, egg tart, some cheesy stick and they have all proven to be unworthy of cafe standards – I have never finished any of them.

They have funky names and they do look absolutely delicious but they are better bakeries and cafes out there more specialized in dough and pastries so please try again later, thank you.

But credit where credit is due, it tastes really fantastic the first few bites and first few visits so this is still worth a try.

3. IGNORE ALL CAKES

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I have no sweet tooth when it comes to their cakes. Apparently I convert to a savourist the minute I take a bite because it was god-overbearingly-sweet.

Me and my friends shared 4 slices and it was one of the worst dinners of my life.

Don’t get me wrong – I adore Paris Baguette and their pudding so much but their cake just don’t cut it (heh heh). I had high hopes for their crepe cake but it severely disappointed me.

It’s like the cake slices try earnestly for your attention with the first bite, then afterwards it’s like they don’t even try anymore and you end up breaking up and it’s better to have loved and lost than not at all blah blah blah but point is – the taste becomes very trying after a while.

I contributed a grand total for $7.50 for these four slices and I must have ate 6 bites before I gave up and asked the staff for water.

Not my thing, yours to try though.

4. Always, always, ALWAYS order this:

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This is the kind of dish that makes your world look clearer suddenly and you will start walking with flowers trailing after your dainty footsteps and hear your opening theme music everywhere.

It was fantastic.

I considered and re-considered getting this many times before thinking “aiya just get la at most bitch about it only” and I imagine this delish dish rubbing its little savoury hands in glee and going “yes yes yes yes yes” because that was all I repeated when I had my first bite.

I am not a big fan of prawns, but this one was so bathed in the creamy, cheesy goodness of the chowder that I had to have more.

I cannot explain how hard it is to resist eating like a wolf because you ordered this dish with a friend and she needs her share too but IT’S SO GOOD I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF.

The bread bowl was too hard to chew but who cares about the bread bowl when the seafood chowder is so mindblowing savoury.

They should just give up cakes and go to the way of the soups. This dish has me completely star struck and typing this is getting me hungry and desperate.

Alright now you have my four pointless tips on how to survive a wallet apocalypse at one of the most over-hyped cafes in town, now go and abuse your wallet and remember –

ALWAYS ORDER THE SEAFOOD CHOWDER!