7th month survival guide
Some people are batsh*t terrified of heights, while others get absolutely freaked over 8-legged critters. But most of us have one unified hair-rising fear: yep, ghosts. They have us jumping out of our skins – even in CGI form.
So, here’s an extreme guide on how to ward off ghosts during Hungry Ghost Festival. Execute these at your own risk – we don’t take responsibility for anyone getting fired from work or shunned by friends.
1. Die-die also don’t OT
Night-time is when ghostly sightings hit the roof. Are you going to be in your office in the dead of the night, smashing buttons on the keyboard while who-knows-what lurks over your shoulders? Hell to the nah. No bonus is gonna make up for that trauma.
2. Make the ghosts watch horror movies instead
That’s right, come any closer and you face the wrath of the Proton Pack.
Video credit: Giphy
Deterrence is the best measure against external threats – so says our Social Studies teacher.
So deter we shall. Power up the telly, roll Ghostbusters and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and let that be a fair warning to any lurking Caspers. If shows horror shows like The Conjuring can scare the crap out of us, the reverse should hold true.
3. Go botak in the name of safety
Justin Bieber called and he wants his thick, side-swept bangs back. Everyone knows covering the forehead is a big no-no since it makes you vulnerable to ghost attacks. Don’t stop at getting baby bangs. Go all out and rock “The Rock”. Your entire head should be a shining don’t-come-near-me beacon in the dark.
4. Be wholesome AF to get good karma
Image credit: Lawrence Wong
According to feng shui masters, ghosts feed off the negative energies of people with bad karma. So, now’s the time to be the best human being your mom dreamt you up to be.
Collect good karma points by being the best citizen in your neighbourhood. Be as wholesome as the NDP crying man, volunteer at the dog shelter, and help an ah ma cross the street.
Never rip a number plate from someone’s car or enter the MRT without a mask – even if Mr Hantu doesn’t get to you, the online vigilantes will.
5. Adopt an accent, but just for this month only
An unofficial rule: Western ghouls don’t haunt Asians and Asian ghosts don’t haunt Westerners.
Our hot take? Pretend to not be a Singaporean entirely by dropping all Singlish speak and adopting another accent. If your friend who went on a summer exchange can pick up a British accent instantly, you’ll be able to get your accent down to a pat, easy.
With any luck, angry spirits will pass you off as the wrong “target audience” during their 7th-month haunting spree. *Fingers crossed*
6. Pay for everything using $1 coins
Image credit: Renae Cheng
There is an urban legend that the Singapore $1 coin single-handedly cleansed our MRT tunnels from spirits thanks to its ba gua-like octagon symbol. Google it!
No matter if it’s a fact or cap, scaredy cats, we take the chance. Don’t just stop at carrying a single golden coin around. Trade notes for coins with your friends, family and neighbourhood cai fan uncle. Collect all the $1 coins you can find, and use them exclusively for purchases this month, from bubble tea treats to shopping sprees.
7. Create a 7th-month nickname
Everyone knows not to turn around when they hear their name whispered in the dark, but we’re scared and we take it one step further. They can’t call your name if they don’t know it.
Use an alias during 7th month, I’ll start. Call me Jack Pott, for some extra huat this 7th month, yeah?
How to deal with absolute fear during 7th month
There are many ways to deal with fear and we say shave your head, change your name, and face it head-on. You now have this ultra-extreme guide to tide you through this ghost month. Will it help? Who knows, our tips aren’t steeped in credibility but they’re certainly based on unadulterated fear of the paranormal, backed with a smidge of feng shui. That counts for something right?
All jokes aside, be respectful of religious beliefs and we wish everyone a safe 7th month free of flickering lights and hair-raising encounters.
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