It’s 2024, and the Olympics is finally gracing the world with its presence again. This time, France is the hostess with the mostest – even cleaning up the River Seine ahead of the opening ceremony.
But what if we hosted the Olympics right here on our little red dot? You know what, scratch that. What if the ancient Greeks never decided to pit their athletes against each other…but we Singaporeans did?
If you don’t know how to chope a table, are you really Singaporean?
The fastest person to find a table, throw their custom Olympic tissue packet macam discus, buy a bowl of fish soup and make it back without a single spill wins.
Most athletes retire early, but this is one sport that’s reserved only for the auntiest of aunties.
It takes skill to chiong from the train doors to the nearest reserved seat, no matter where it’s located. Do they have a special radar? Perhaps, perhaps. Athletes never reveal their secrets.
Speaking of MRTs, City Hall is special. Unlike most of our train stations, this interchange has both the Red and Green Lines on the same platform floor.
Convenient, sure. But it is truly a sight to see 100+ people dashing off one train to get into the next. We all qualify for this one.
Photograph courtesy of MustShareNews
Singaporeans love to queue, be it for chicken rice or freebies. Heck, sometimes we don’t even know what we’re queueing for. Queueing for TOTO, however, is high on our list.
I mean, can become a millionaire leh. We probably won’t, but at least we’ll get a gold medal for this.
You’re walking through the bus interchange. From the distance, you spot…them…with their clipboards and Darlie smiles. Your pace starts to pick up – you’re not even in a rush.
Random aunty blocking your way? Dodge.
Couple holding hands in front of you? Dodge.
Plastic bags littered on the floor? Dodge.
At long last, you’ve made it. You’re a little out of breath, but at least you managed to siam ah!
Simone Biles might be doing her thing on the balance beams, but Singaporeans have been at the balancing game for quite some time too.
While it takes 10% luck and 20% skill to find the nearest pole to grab onto anytime the bus breaks without awkwardly holding someone else’s hand in the process, one requires 1000% power of will to be able to not topple over without holding a single thing.
The new decade is truly something else; goodbye Blue Coral, hello Caramel milk tea, 25% sugar, less ice, golden bubbles and aloe vera jelly.
How to win: The person who can memorise an entire department’s worth of orders by heart and not mess up will be the one true BBT god.
Complaining – it’s in our DNA. We can fuss just about anything, but no one does it like our beloved keyboard warriors. From which side of Singapore is better to why our articles are so like that one, they have truly perfected the art of ✨KPKB-ing✨ like no other.
Y’all, let’s take a moment to commemorate all the times we’ve kena arrowed by our colleagues. We didn’t know better. They were just practicing for the Olympics all along.
As lovers of personal space, being the only one waiting for the lift is a great joy for many Singaporeans. But then, horror strikes – you hear footsteps before the lift shuts. Just as aunties like to play Tap Tap with zebra crossing buttons, our fingers get a darn good workout trying to get those doors to close ASAP.
Note: Those who refuse fellow lift passengers will face immediate disqualification.
Singapore might not be as decorated as other countries at the Olympics, but we’ve still got a bunch of dedicated athletes that have done our country proud no matter what they bring home.
As for the rest of us, our best bet at a gold medal might lie in table chope-ing after all. But till that day comes, let’s cheer on our fellow Singaporeans who have given it their all in Paris.
In the meantime, here’s how to fake being an Olympic athlete through the magic of pretending.
All illustrations by Ra Krishnan.
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