I am going to need a favour.

Please do take a look at this:







Let me be honest.

I am a fashion fanatic, and I’ve only heard of five of the headlines. What is neo-classic?! Which leads me to wonder – how do we classify the fashion in Singapore?

Now I’m not going to take pictures from anywhere (I’m looking at you Stomp) because it is low and more importantly because I don’t want the chosen ones to take revenge and steal my fashionable boots.

To give myself more cred or being guilty of some of the below fashion catergories, I shall give them all fancy names. So fancy they have their own bow ties and are judging you by the way you hold your teacup.

Don’t be too offended, it is all in good fun and I welcome comments demanding otherwise. I welcome smoke breaks while you bash my theories in my face too, as you’ll see further down why.

So let’s start:

 

1. Cineleisure aka Cinosmokébrék

Females: High boots, low boots, boots with heels, midriff showing only two extremes – a toned and sexy as hell tummy or one that’s crying with fat, jeans so tight you can feel the fabric stretching, tops criss-cut at the back in gorgeous shreds, and a cigarette. Die die must have the cigarette if not not cool enough for cine.

Males: April 77s or Nudies jeans, over-used shirts from Zara or Topshop, classy button up sleeves from H&M or Uniqolo, leather patch hanging on a noisy keyring, a straw hat for the truly classy, and 16 boxes of cigarettes down their exquisitely tapered pants with at least 2 cigarettes in hand. How else to be cool.

In a nutshell: Cinosmokébrék will reject you if you have no cigarettes, so you better have cigarettes and take smoke breaks every 2 seconds, if not your cool factor will go to hell. This is also town attire so they fall under the same category.

 

2. *Scapé aka *Scapwédancé

Females: Huge oversized shirts in varying “swag” “nerd” font sizes, layer after layer of tank tops and sports bras, bigass jackets that makes no sense in this weather, leggings so thick you’d sweat on their behalf, leggings so thin you see the fat the wearer is trying to hide, high cut shoes with soles so thick you wonder if a shark can chew through it. The shoes are the key. Die die must show the whole world that I’m a sassy as hell dancer at sassy as hell O School and I’m more musically talented than all of you.

Males: As above, except without leggings, but in baggy dance pants instead. 

In a nutshell: *Scapwédancé is an open ground for aspiring dancers to take up space and stiffen the air with their sweat and tears. Of course they’re all talented yes yes they’re better than me ok moving on.

 

3. Heartland aka Héartshorts

Females: The top does not matter because it will be any random homely shirt/ plain tee/ weird wording shirt but the key here is, no matter what the top is, the shorts are from New Future and they are either in fifty shades of demin, or they’re black.

Males: Muscle tanks and berms yum yum.

In a nutshell: This place is 3 minutes from home and you can’t expect anyone to be bothered so no judging here!

 

4. Beach aka still just Beach

Females: In varying forms of gorgeous bikinis, with lacey or sheer throw-overs, in wedges or slippers. And they look delish.

Males: If you’re lucky, they’re in berms. If they’re in jeans, leave their sorry ass. If they’re in trunks, consider first. If they’re in triangles, cab to Cinosmokébrék and attempt to die by second hand smoke.

In a nutshell: This is the place where all makeup falls off so all females will go to the extra mile to make sure they look fantastic chin down. This is also the place we judge men by muscles. This is also the place Instagram will overload in its servers because of the sudden excessive upload. 

(I’m guilty of this sigh)

 

5. Dream / mink / zouk aka Dréaminzouk

Females: Skintight dresses with 16 inches of make up, suffocating pants and tight midriffs, cat ears without the halloween reminder, heels so skinny they make plant stems cringe, leather jeans (that’s how you separate the models from the pseudos), bulky phone with cigarette thins.

Males: Fred Perry, Ralph Lauren, hidden insoles, flattering blazers (that’s how you separate boys from men) jeans with car/ motor keys in full view, in-your-face king-sized belvedere bottle in hand, hair styled against gravity, and cigarettes in every pocket of the blazer.

In a nutshell: If you’re not dressed to impress, go home. If you have a set of questionable morals, stay. If you have a wallet ready to spread its cards, stay. For all else, stay, but stay home.

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Well that’s that, I must have turned the beds of every cineleisure addict and every club promoter on my way to the end of this article but hey! 

We are all guilty. 

Me of at least 4 categories.

So cheers to our common ground eh!