Understanding what girls really mean
Girls are beautiful, mysterious creatures.
Look at the way they dance. Look at the way they sway. Look at the way their eyes light up. Look at the way she turns into a class A lawyer and turns arguments into full-fleged court cases. Look at the way she makes Shakespeare look like an infant with a quick-dry marker with her many-layers-of-deep-meaning “I am fine”.
Just a cue for the clueless: she is not.
Imagine the journey of our beloved MRT green line. Now imagine you’re at Pioneer having this conversation.
You: But all I did was like the photo.
You: Really, I meant nothing, I won’t like it again I swear.
You: Are you okay?
Her: I am fine.
You could not be closer to fine than if you were to be Pasir Ris right now. You could try taking a cab from Pasir Ris in a desperate attempt to be closer to the truth of her at Pioneer and every cab driver will give you a horrified face and exclaim “but Pioneer is burning right now why do you wanna go there no no no sorry change shift sorry woodlands only.”
But don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Here are 5 situations to look out for when a girl next says she’s fine.
1. In the middle of an argument, she says she’s fine.
Tread carefully dude. In fact, don’t breathe. Right now, you and your mother are the most wrong things in her eyes and every thing you do will trigger the monster within.
She doesn’t mean she is fine. She means she’s waiting. By this time she’s probably tired of the argument because she knows she’s losing and she just needs you to admit you’re wrong anyway and apologize. Just keep apologizing till she tells you the actual truth, most likely “BUT HOW COULD YOU RETWEET HER” before she loses her temper again.
Usually this would be the last splutter of her temper before she proceeds to burst into tears going on about how she’s only being like this because she loves you so much. You can pick things up from there on!
2. Over the phone, she says she’s fine.
Dude I feel sorry for you.
There is such a variety of petty reasons why she’s being like this and I can’t even begin to help. Did you reply her too slow? Did you leave your chrome tab open with the last viewed a porn page? Did you tweet a chick 50 days ago without removing the draft? Did you like an instagram photo of a cute puppy posted by a girl?
You will never truly know what you did unless you apply the same above method – apologize till she snaps and tells you the truth, probably along the lines of “YOU TOOK A PHOTO WITH HER AND POSTED IT BUT YOU DIDN’T POST OURS“. And no matter how much you want to shoot yourself from the simple, simple reason of her unreasonable indifference, you must keep quiet and continue saying you’re sorry.
Nothing less would suffice.
3. While walking along Orchard Road, she says she’s fine
Let me give you a run down or what probably happened. You two were holding hands and walking when you felt your nose itch and you let go of her hand temporary to rub your nose and conveniently scratch your eyelids. And when you tried to hold her hand again (we will talk about hygiene in another post), she refuses and when you ask what’s wrong, she gives you the deadly 2-worder.
And here’s the run down of what probably happened from her perspective.
“Why is he letting go of my hand? Oh he’s scratching his nose. Holy **** that girl is hot but her skirt is too short what a whore sheesh. Oh god he’s scratching his eye – wait no, HE’S WINKING AT HER?! The cheating asshat! Okay that’s it no more happy ending for him tonight.”
And believe me this is a really sad situation because I don’t think you can get out of it unless the same girl walks past again and this time you scratch your ass instead of anyplace else just to symbolize deeply that you don’t care about the poor, unsuspecting hot girl while your girlfriend grimly approves.
4. Instead of her usual morning message, she says she’s fine.
Well this one’s easy.
She probably just had a dream and instead of you comforting her in that dream, you were eating out the face of another girl, probably the hot chick in her social science class that she hates with Lucifer’s rage. Or maybe you tripped her in the dream. Or maybe you told her she’s fat. The guts of it all!
The only way I can think of to help you counter this is for you to tell her exactly that you had a dream where you two got married and had two kids, Arabelle and Aaron and she was beautiful in an apron and she was yada yada yada and honestly, I think that would work so well, you’d get a nice breakfast in bed for it.
I am good at this huh huh huh maybe I could start dating again.
5. Full moon and she says she’s fine.
She’s either on her period and at this point, God himself can’t save you from her wrath, or she’s a werewolf. That would explain the monstrous strength she suddenly gains when you piss her off and she manages to rip your laptop in two.
Or maybe Mac is just filmsy. I’d like to see her tear apart a PC. DAMN YOU APPLE.
What can guys do?
Well there you go, 5 completely pointless explanations for the equally pointless “I’m fine” that every girl (me inclusive) is so fond of saying. But hey, at least you know what to do this time!
I love girls. They are such dainty, pretty creatures. They wear little frocks and tiny heels. They are lovely, lovely things. But hell will freeze over before I date one. Imagine the kind of “I’m fine” I have to figure out daily. I still intend to keep my sanity for the next 30 years thank you.
But for those who are still hopelessly in love with girls and their not-quite-little-and-quite-terrifyingly-insane mind games, I hope you have a better understanding of what she means when she says she is fine.
Be well my fellow women-lovers.