With the year-end crunch time in full swing, we’ve all been working on overdrive to close out 2023. Grappling with the workload is one thing, but dealing with obstinate clients and colleagues at the same time is nigh impossible. No Erin, I’d rather not “take this offline” to “realign our values”, only for you to “put a pin on this” after spending hours “trying to reinvent the wheel”.
Corporate babble aside, we’re all looking for pockets of respite this time of the year. While others go for extra pantry raids and 3-hour lunches, we’re equally productive. We’ve rounded up the best Google Docs anonymous animals and ranked them according to our willingness to work with them, to trudge through the chaos we call Q4.
Image credit: @neha via X
If you’ve worked over Google’s suite of collaborative apps, you’ve most likely chanced upon the motley crew of anonymous animals parked on the top right of your document. These represent people whom you did not send an invitation to view the document. Instead of their name and email, they’ll each be assigned 1 of the 83 anonymous animals instead.
Now that you know how these anonymous animals popped into your document, here’s our collection of the most curious critters. You’ll find the most devious of the bunch at the top, those you’d want to avoid at all costs. But don’t despair, the lifesavers of the group project can be found as we work our way down the list.
Image credit: Neha Narula via X
Don’t ask us why Google decided to incorporate a malevolent, demonic entity into its pool of cutesy critters. If you’re unfortunate enough to rub shoulders with the Anonymous Ifrit, best of luck to you. Client or co-worker, the Anonymous Ifrit just wants to watch the world burn. Their role models probably include Cruella de Vil from 101 Dalmations, and Snow White’s Evil Queen.
With the Ifrit being a creature of mythology responsible for stirring trouble and misfortune, prepare for the ensuing chaos. Expect paggro responses to clients and calling colleagues out over email, of course, without forgetting to CC the entire kampung. For a real spectacle, just wait till they cross paths with the Anonymous Dragon, which we’ll talk about later. Their battle will be legendary.
Pleasure to work with: -100/10. Could spur interesting work-related tea to gossip about during lunch, though.
Image credit: David Katzmaier via X
Similarly, the Anonymous Chupacabra is another one that you’d want to steer well clear of. Instead of roaming the Americas in search of livestock to prey on, this blood-hungry creature has caught the scent of the next best thing: defenceless interns and new hires.
Image credit: Encyclopedia Britannica
They’ll jump at the chance to exploit junior personnel for their own nefarious purposes. As such, you’ll rarely see their contributions on Google Docs as they’ll get their interns – i.e the Dumbo Octopus (see point #5) – to do all their dirty work for them.
The helpless will want to seek safety in numbers when dealing with them; head for meals with a lunch buddy, and jot down your HR’s contact, just in case.
Pleasure to work with: 0/10. An absolute menace.
Image credit: Popular Science
There are no two ways about it – whatever the Anonymous Dragon suggests is final. You can think of them as the head honcho, probably sitting all high and mighty in upper-management. Their blinking, coloured text cursor just screams respect, and so you await their direct edits with bated breath.
Image credit: @gameofthrones via Instagram
On the rare occasion that they do decide to leave suggestions instead, you’d best accept them all without question, lest you incur their draconian wrath.
Pleasure to work with: 3/10. Scary, but tread lightly and you’ll be fine.
Image credit: Roxanne Johnson via X
The Anonymous Quagga is enigmatic. For context, the quagga is an extinct subspecies of zebra that bore the emblematic stripes only on the upper half of their bodies, and the quaggas of Google Docs exhibit the same characteristics. They’ll be there at the start to show face and kick things off, but when the going gets tough, they’re nowhere to be found.
This results in a flurry of unfinished work and loose ends that the rest of the herd will have to deal with. By the way, the African quaggas were all hunted to extinction in the late 19th century. So, it’s only a matter of time before their Google doppelgangers face the same fate, courtesy of their half-baked work ethic.
Pleasure to work with: 4/10. Piles extra workload onto the others.
Image credit: Google Docs via X
Firstly, hats off to you if you remember this ancient meme from the early 2010s. Having an Anonymous Nyan Cat onboard is pure vibes, as not a single thought goes on behind those beady eyes. They’re a joyful bunch, adding a splash of colour and fun to the team with their jokes, oftentimes made unknowingly.
Image credit: BunHammer via Tenor
They’re one of those floaters who go wherever the workflow brings them. One moment, they’re tagging along for face-to-face liaisons with clients, and the next they could be lounging around entertaining the company cats. Although they teeter on the edge of being barely annoying, they’re just here for the ride and we’re all for it.
Pleasure to work with: 6/10. I appreciate the company, but you come for what?
Image credit: u/Anthenumcharlie via Reddit
There’s just something so endearing about the Anonymous Dumbo Octopus. They’re probably the runts of the litter, the lil’ ones that everyone else is obligated to take under their wing to nurture. In corporate terms, think fresh-faced interns – i.e the ones who know no better than to sign off on emails with “another day another slay”.
Image credit: Nautilus Live
Unfortunately, these pure souls are often being bullied by the Chupacabras – whether they’re fetching coffee or helping their superiors file claims.
Pleasure to work with: 6/10. They’re good at following instructions to a T, but don’t expect them to step up to make ground-breaking decisions. Before going off on them, remember that the above image is who you’re being mean to.
When it comes to the Anonymous Blobfish of the project, you can’t help but feel a tinge of injustice for them. We’re not talking about looks here; we’re not that shallow. They’ve just been dealt a lousy hand – perhaps they’re not in the best of health at the moment or have to contend with crappy bosses daily.
Image credit: @campbell_cameras via Instagram
To be honest, the blobfish’s crestfallen mug is something that resonates with the rest of the team, especially when the higher-ups are persistently harping on about not hitting KPIs. Tough luck bro, we’re all here for you if you need to vent. Just not after 6pm, thank you very much.
Pleasure to work with: 7/10, they do their job, albeit in the most depressing way possible.
Image credit: Google Operating System
Whenever you find yourself needing any sort of assistance, the Anonymous Kraken’s always there to lend a helping hand or two. They’re probably a gentle giant, as well as the most dependable of the bunch always looking out for their fellow co-workers.
They’ve got so many tentacles for a reason – getting things done.
Image credit: @aiartvisuals via Instagram
Working OT? They’ve already got their food delivery app at the ready, and are open to any order-in suggestions you may have. Heck, they’ll even shoulder some of the work if that means you can knock off earlier. It’s only platonic, though, so keep your K-drama fantasies out of the equation.
Pleasure to work with: 9/10. Helpful chap, always nice to have on the team.
While the odds of a user being tagged as any specific anonymous animal is about 1.2%, you’d be jumping for joy if you spot an Anonymous Quokka typing away. Known as the happiest animal on earth, this perpetually smiling marsupial always looks cheerful, thanks to the shape of their mouths that make it look like they’re smiling.
Those assigned this adorable animal are simply a joy to work with. They’ll gleefully take on tasks with infectious optimism, but be wary. Much like their IRL counterpart’s forceful grin, it might all be but a guise. Do check in with them occasionally, especially when they’re still beaming from ear to ear after getting lambasted over an errant punctuation mark.
Pleasure to work with: 10/10
Arguably the most iconic mythical creature, the Anonymous Unicorn is nothing short of magical. Rumour has it that those blessed with working with one will have all their work-related qualms quelled.
Just picture the perfect client – one that is clear with what they expect from you, allows for creative freedom, and god forbid, works with reasonable deadlines. But just like Unicorns, they don’t exist. Save your daydreaming for the weekends, and hunker down for yet another round of virtual meetings.
Pleasure to work with: 100/10. Too bad they ain’t real.
From nightmare clients to colleagues who double as saboteurs, we’ll leave it to you to corroborate these Google Docs anonymous animal couplings. See if you can match your work buddies to their spirit Google Docs anonymous animals; it’ll make for great banter for your next lunchtime huddle.
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Cover image adapted from: Playground AI, Neha Narula via X
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