Imagine a picture-perfect day. You have on a cute outfit, found a deserted brick wall/alley/staircase, and the natural lighting is just unrealistically flawless. It’s in perfect harmony with your feed’s aesthetic and practically hear it crying out to be Instagrammed.
Problem is, a selfie won’t capture you and the scene in its entirety, and don’t get me started on how absurd selfie sticks make you look. I always find myself enviously scrolling through perfectly curated, selfie-less Instagram feeds with flawless OOTD pictures, and candid shots wondering, ‘Who even takes these photos?’
‘They say, ‘behind every successful man, is a woman’; but in this Instagram age, behind every flawless perfectly composed #OOTD shot, is an Instagram Boyfriend. If you find yourself perpetually behind a camera, editing photos, or being dragged to the ends of Singapore just for a photoshoot – welcome to the world of Instagram Boyfriends.
The Instagram (IG) Boyfriend – a dedicated (possibly reluctant) individual that has your back, your front, or any other angle you desire. The IG Boyfriend can be anyone from your other half, to your mom during family vacations. Together, you will bear the burden of perfecting the art of Instagram, driven by the sole purpose of making their life look a hundred times more happening and enjoyable than it really is.
To all IG Boyfriends out there, I feel your pain. Taking a passable photo is no single-shot affair. Don’t take it to heart, you’re so much more than just a personal human selfie stick; but for the frustrated and miserable ones among us, here’s 10 reasons why being an IG Boyfriend isn’t all that bad.
Because if I didn’t take a photo, I didn’t really eat it.
Ridiculous as it sounds, ‘pics or it didn’t happen’ is a mantra your significant other will live religiously by. He/She will constantly be on the hunt for the newest and most instagram-worthy cafes, and no two meals will ever be the same. Get ready for brunch food and desserts galore!
Sure, you’ll have to spend a good 10 minutes documenting your food from different angles, and the only food you’ll eat warm anymore is ice cream; but eventually, you’ll become a cafe connoisseur, worthy of being in the company of the most renowned local food bloggers the likes of LadyIronChef and DanielFoodDiary. So stand proud on that chair and work that flatlay!
IG Boyfriends are the most underrated heroes of the social media era. Without your unwavering support, your IG Girlfriend’s Instagram feed would be in shambles. She’ll probably have to resort to investing in a ridiculously long selfie stick, and her follower count would be dropping by the minute.
I cannot stress this enough: the selfie stick is the worst invention of the 21st century. What started out as an avant-garde way to end our selfie woes is really just a complete hazard to anyone within a 10 metre radius. Until someone gets hurt, and someone will, these terrifying contraptions will live on.
Thank you, Instagram Boyfriends, for sacrificing your time for the greater good, and so I can roam the streets freely without the fear that I’ll get poked in the eye by a rogue selfie stick.
‘Attached at the hip’ is no hyperbole here. The two of you will be like peas in a pod, integral parts of each other’s lives. You know your IG Wife better than she knows herself, plus you’ve committed all her best angles to memory. There’s no-one better company than you. Doesn’t it give you a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that you’re always someone’s first choice?
The mark of a truly dedicated IG Boyfriend is the complete lack of applications on their phone. Instagram is no stand-alone application – in addition to the app itself (≈33MB), there’s a whole host of photo-editors that you’ll need to succeed.
Staples include VSCOCam (≈45MB), SnapSeed (≈35MB), Afterlight (≈68MB), Boomerang (≈11MB); and of course selfie-editing apps, of which you’ll have over 6,000 to choose from. Factor in the photos themselves, and be prepared to kiss all your phone games goodbye.
Really, it’s a blessing in disguise. No more sleepless nights spent clashing clans, building card decks or cutting the rope, since you just don’t have the storage for it. But now you’ll have a ton of spare time!
Scroll through your camera roll now. Be honest, how many potential #OOTDs, selfies and other meant-for-Instagram shots do you have in your phone consigned to oblivion, never to see the light of your significant other’s main account? It’s no secret that behind every Instagram post, there are dozens that have been left behind.
Lesson number 1 of Instagram Boyfriends: perseverance is a virtue, and you’ll need it for sure. Only an IG Boyfriend will have the patience to wait for their significant other to attempt multiple over-the-shoulder, hand-on-hip, totally-candid poses just to get that one marginally decent shot.
PATIENCE YOU MUST HAVE, my young padawan.
Instagram-worthy places? You’ve been to them all. Your friends consider you a walking encyclopedia of the best photo shoot locations in town, and nothing’s considered ‘off the beaten track’ for you anymore. Lor Ampas, Kranji, Punggol? Ha, no problem.
Never again will you be accused of being a tourist in your own country, and what’s the point of visiting other countries if you don’t even know your own?
Bonus Perk: planning outings and dates will forever be a breeze.
Nothing beats hands-on experience when it comes to photography. You’ll be a pro at working the ISO, no longer an amateur at adjusting aperture. Even on a mobile device.
Capturing magical shots of course doesn’t stop at having technical skills, you’ll have to be creative director to your significant other’s photoshoot too. If all else fails, try the infallible Ear Scratch pose, the ‘I’m Holding A Mysterious Hand’, or the ironic #iwokeuplikethis selfie that is totes staged. Fake it till you make it, right?
As thick-skinned as I am, repeatedly asking a stranger to take full-body, candid photos of me while I pose is where I draw the line. Seems the only solution is to take selfies, on selfies, on selfies and hope for the best. Until now.
It may sound ridiculous, but being an IG Boyfriend trains you for the life of a for-hire photographer. Sites like Flytographer essentially offer the services you do for free, but for complete strangers.
Exploring cities and taking photos? Now there’s a job I’d kill for.
The most hipster and photogenic spots are sadly typically off the beaten track (read: ulu and inaccessible). Think old playgrounds amidst sleepy neighbourhoods, faraway lalang field with abandoned bus stops and jetties tucked away near the corner of Singapore. Better get a pair of comfy walking shoes.
Surviving the walking is half the battle won, but frontal shots can get pretty monotonous. Dynamic poses! Top-down shots! Worm’s eye view! The possibilities are endless, but sacrifices must be made. At the end of the day, you’ll have the agility of a spider monkey and lean, sculpted legs. Bless.
Every good IG Boyfriend knows that their responsibilities don’t end at photo-taking. You’ll have to support your IG Girlfriend through thick and thin, through countless #nofilter moments. Again, this is your opportunity to remind them that you’re responsive, dependable and supportive.
Being the FLFC (first like first comment) consistently will do wonders for your relationship. Which isn’t too hard, because they’ll probably run their photos by you first before posting on their main account anyway. Make what’s important to them a priority for you too – this is a golden rule, even outside your Instagram relationship.
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
Read this quote, repeat when necessary. You exist outside the ‘gram, even if now and again you feel used and unappreciated. In the grand scheme of things, there’s perks to this role oft overlooked, so embrace being a #InstagramBoyfriend, and snap away!
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No need to head to Japan or Korea, China has pretty blooms too 🌸
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