Good evening, Asgardians. It is I, Loki. Light-Bringer, Trickster, Superior Brother of Thor, Best Unofficial Avenger. You might have heard of me.
The lesser of you may have thought I entered eternal slumber after the rather paltry events of Avengers: Endgame. But if you are familiar with my many false deaths, you shouldn’t be surprised to see that I have returned in utmost glory.
And hear this, I am now burdened with the glorious purpose of passing judgement on the Avengers scum my fellow Avengers brethren, who will be tainting the screens on these Marvel TV shows on Disney Plus in the upcoming year and beyond.
Despite the platform being a rather plebeian entertainment for mere mortals, I’ve managed to etch out which show disgusts me the least – with the exception of the work of art that is, of course, Loki.
Since you seem in desperate need of leadership, you, dull creature, will gladly kneel to my opinion on this.
Note: This is a tongue-in-cheek version of what we think Loki would recommend, but don’t take this too seriously. After all, it’s in the spirit of mischief.
Say my name, mortals! While there was never any question about it, this is obviously the most superior show – and it’s a lot more than basking in my glorious charm.
Firstly, I’m evidently alive and well even after the events of Avengers: Endgame.
Remember how I niftily picked up the Tesseract in the Avengers’ expected botched retrieval of the Infinity stone? You just have to tune in to see me face off an entity called the Time Variance Authority. Behold, you might have the privilege of catching me traversing across space and time.
Expected date of release: 11 June 2021
Starring: Tom Hiddleston (Loki), Owen Wilson (Mobius M. Mobius), Sophia Di Martino (Lady Loki)
Hailee Steinfeld makes her debut as Kate Bishop in the MCU
Image credit: Marvel Studios
Note: Loki is taking a break from recapping this – and it’s just us – as he can’t be bothered with Clint.
The past is catching up with Clint Barton, who you might better know as the sharp-shooting Hawkeye. To recap, the archer went on a murderous rampage after Thanos’ inevitable snap as Ronin and some very bad people are not letting him forget his sins.
Enter Kate Bishop, Hawkeye’s biggest fan and self-proclaimed greatest archer in the world. While we can’t see why that would be ironic, the newest addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe has found herself in one heck of a mess and unwittingly dragged the Avenger into her own shenanigans, too.
There’s just one problem: In the midst of untangling Kate’s problems, Hawkeye also has to fulfil his promise to his family to make it back home in time for Christmas. Here’s to hoping he finds the time to put the star on a tree and hit some bullseyes while he’s at it.
Expected date of release: 24th November 2021 (already out)
Starring: Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye), Hailee Steinfeld (Kate Bishop)
What if Captain America was instead Peggy Carter as Captain Britain? What if Killmonger won and Wakanda took over the world? What if all earthly mortals finally bowed to me, King Loki?
Ok, fine, the last one isn’t really a scenario in this animated series. But the first two are some bizarre hypothetical scenarios that are actually explored in What If…? Personally, I very much love the idea of a zombified Captain, a different Star-Lord – even in cartoon form, I’ll take it.
The trailer’s tagline is impressive too. Almost as quote-worthy as my comebacks: “Space. Time. Reality. It’s more than a linear path.” Dun-dun-dun.
Expected date of release: 11th August 2021 (already out)
I’ve always loved a bit of brotherly camaraderie – observe how my dumb blonde brother, Thor, and I have had epic showdowns worthy of legends.
Turns out that bore Captain America left a little bromance in his wake, too, between Sam Wilson a.k.a. The Falcon, and Bucky Barnes a.k.a. The Winter Soldier. Ooh, I do love these fancy titles.
At first, the two not-really brothers are experiencing problems like racism and PTSD. But, it gets even more dire when a mysterious masked rebel group called “Flag Smashers” wreak destruction, forcing these two forgettables to go on a global adventure after half the world was snapped back into reality.
P.S. I am liking how the series uses Battleship as a drinking game. So, *bows dramatically*, if it’s all the same to you, I’ll have that drink now.
Expected date of release: 19th March 2021 (already out)
Starring: Sebastian Stan (Bucky Barnes), Anthony Mackie (Sam Wilson), Emily VanCamp (Sharon Carter)
Image credit: Disney Plus/Marvel Studios
I did a bit of shapeshifting in my time in Thor: The Dark Age, but the Skrulls are brilliant at it, too. So brilliant in fact, that they have been infiltrating Earth for years – a worthy goal.
In Secret Invasion, Nick Fury and Skrull Talos will meet. I await this with bated breath since the last time they met in Captain Marvel there were some sparks and fun appearance changes. *rubs hands gleefully*
Expected date of release: TBC
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson (Nick Fury), Ben Mendelsohn (Talos)
Image credit: Marvel Studios
Do-gooders bore me. Like my brother Thor, or the square fool that is Cap. So, I don’t particularly mind a superhero who is in touch with the darker side like Moon Knight.
Marc Spector is an ex-mercenary, suffers from dissociative identity disorder with personalities like a rich playboy, and is revived by an ancient Egyptian god, Khonshu. While obviously those Egyptian gods are but mere ants to us Asgardians, it makes for a rather fascinating origin story, I admit.
Plus, bonus points for having a fashionable costume. As a fashion icon myself (who can forget my golden horns), the character’s adamantium suit and massive cape are sublime.
Expected date of release: TBC
Starring: Oscar Isaac (Moon Knight)
We already have Captain Marvel – do we really need Ms Marvel in the mix as well?
Ms Marvel follows Pakistani-American teen Kamala Khan that apparently can shrink her body at will. Applaudable, but why young girl, would you name yourself similarly to that arrogant Space Stone-fuelled pilot? The folly. For your ignorance, here’s a pity mid-list ranking.
Expected date of release: Late 2021
Starring: Iman Vellani (Ms Marvel)
Image credit: Disney
Probably a far second to me in terms of fan favourite popularity, Groot – a seedling – gets his own show?! I do not seek to understand what the Disney Plus producers are thinking, but perhaps it’s to cater to the poor taste of mortals willing to watch this sapling/tree/whatever engage in a series of short adventures. How silly.
Expected date of release: TBC
What kind of show is named Ironheart? That title should belong to me, considering my charming, cold-hearted soul. But alas, this series spotlights some mortal genius *cough* inventor, Riri Williams, who creates the most advanced armour suit since Iron Man Tony Stark.
Image credit: ScienceFiction.com
Can’t say I dislike someone else outshining the prick that is Stark. Especially a teenage girl. Ooh, the shade.
Expected date of release: TBC
Starring: Dominique Thorne (Riri Williams)
As if one bumbling green monster wasn’t enough, we now have two. She-Hulk promises to be a legal comedy – a huge joke in my opinion. But I guess She-Hulk, aka Jennifer Walters, isn’t exactly a mewling quim.
For one, she is a lawyer that handles superhuman-based cases. Seeing how the legal line celebrates the gift of the gab and possibly trickery, I can’t say there isn’t a smidgen of appreciation for that.
I’m not overly fond of her becoming big and green, though. Even more shudders to the fact that Bruce Banner might make an appearance.
Expected date of release: TBC
Starring: Tatiana Maslany (Jennifer Walters)
Putting this near the bottom because it highlights Tony Stark’s technology – a pesky bane of my existence. I still remember how that insufferable Stark unleashed a nuke to destroy my beautiful Chitauri invasion fleet in The Avengers.
In Armor Wars, people actually fight over this technology, and it follows the dull War Machine as he explores what happens when Stark’s tech “falls into wrong hands”. The only reason why this isn’t last place is because I live for the drama and fights this seems to promise.
Expected date of release: TBC
Starring: Don Cheadle (War Machine)
So, there you have it. The upcoming Marvel TV shows ranked by yours truly so you can decide how to spend your worthless time. I guess there’s some existing not-too-shabby Disney Plus shows you can catch, like that revolving around Wanda Maximoff. Also, some non-Marvel series that bore me to no end, but which you baseborn creatures might derive pleasure from.
Cover image adapted from: Disney + (SG), Marvel Studios.
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