If I have clubbed with you at some point in my life, you’re probably here. If we are still in contact, please know that I love you very much 1314 foreva please love me back. If not, then you’ll find out why below!
There are many types of club guys in Singapore. Take away the under-aged (look for me if you grow up hot) and the office men (I am too young and dangerous to join pursuits related to CPF) and you will find yourself looking at a very select range.
For one night and the many nights after, these men will be the kings and gods of their respective clubs. They will sign you in with their guest list and they will pour you seconds after seconds into your open, hungry mouths.
They are usually good looking, charming and surrounded by a slew of gorgeous to average girls. Before the end of the night, you’ll see them smoking cigarettes calmly despite downing bottle after bottle. These men drink alcohol like water and will probably handle your drunk texts with classy, diplomatic lines.
Or is that just my favourite Mink promoter? Ah but still, they are a sexy, blazer-up bunch that keeps a club alive. My favourite kind of men.
Oops I exaggerate, sorry.
These are groups of youth who found their way into the nightlife scene (probably Mansion) too early. They can be identified by their ensemble of street-label clothes and shots in hand. Why drink slow when you can SHOT SHOT SHOTS EVERY-BARRRDI.
‘Em young boys have an incredible amount of energy and they can just keep going. It gets a lil saddening when they talk to me with the starting line of “u r so cute u r so hot I am just done with my o’levels wat abt u?”. Sigh I wish I was young too darling, I do I do.
They make me feel young and they are always trying to give everyone they meet a good time so they have become one of my favourite people to bump into because I can sing “HEYYYY YOUNG BLOOD” when they tell me their age.
Please continue assuming I’m 18 and hitting on me!
In between calculating CPF funds and Medisave’s latest packages, these office men will find themselves at clubs, usually Butter Factory. They are usually at a table or at the bar, not dancing and blocking everyone’s way.
I generally only chance upon them when the crowd gets too thick and I have to wait nearby a table before moving. And their starting line would always be, “Hey there, can I buy you a drink?”.
You have 3 seconds to quickly figure out if they’re insurance agents or promising entrepreneurs. I’ve always taken that 3 seconds to pretend I’m deaf and smile and slide away. Tell me the outcome if you do otherwise!
These guys are the ones who you will see at the dance floor all night, who can keep going despite seemingly drinking nothing. Even air makes them high, because they can dance and do-the-moping-window-action all night without taking a break.
These people are the pioneers of “eh wah eh wah eh wah!” (GOD I MISS YOU ZIRCA) or the deliciously updated “ehhhhh ahhhhh ehhhhh ahhhh” chants. They will be the bunch of people who’ll see you trying to cross a dance floor and will smile and lend you a hand. They will probably dance with you afterwards. You may hear their chant-planning for their next club night.
A lovely bunch of folks to meet.
Always a (literal) hit in Zouk.
The drunk ones are always dancing groggy, with their heads bobbing to the music not because they are in sync with the DR-DR-DR-DROP THE BASS beats but because the alcohol they had is having fun celebrating their entrance to his mind by wrecking it senseless.
These are going to be guys just leaning on their friends and they will be generally harmless until someone knocks into them. Two things will happen – 1) they continue to be in mid-doze and they fall onto you, most probably pushing you right over or 2) wake up suddenly and try to punch the offender.
Most likely its the latter and you will find yourself quickly entertained. I have a deep, very pointless love for men who are good with their fists so bonus points for the latter. Yum yum.
These guys usually have three to five female friends with them in Dream and throughout the whole night, they will encircle their female friends protectively. These guys are going to fiercely raise their arms and push anyone in the way of their dancing female friends.
If you’re a guy, you’re likely to have a higher chance of parting the Red Sea than you are at breaking into their circle But, they might also sneakily push their female friends to chat up with you so you can join the circle too – yay membership!
Most times, these guys drop right off the radar for roaming girls because they look too busy to bother. Sigh!
“Oh Bama, you naughty!” – I am #1 fan of my lame jokes
These guys are reincarnations – lifetime after lifetime of being born as hawks and vultures and under-paid cinema reel screeners have taught them to perfect the art of staring.
They will check you out endlessly and you will always catch their stare “accidentally”. They will not make a move out of fear of rejection. Much like the routine of a vulture, you’re probably going to die first before they even make a move so you.
But the ones who eventually down one last shot and say to himself “DAMMIT TYRONE/ AH BENG/ MAT REP YOU CAN DO IT” and walk up to you, is the one who’s going to make you smile secretly at the walls of Phuture while he wonders “did I just talk to an idiot?” heh.
These guys will. not. stop. talking.
They talk like they have corrective tongue surgery and you will stare at them with such dumbfounded anger that you will try to take the straw from your drink and fantasize about giving him a painful tongue piercing.
They will pester you asking you about your name only so they can tell you theirs, asking you about your school only so they can tell you theirs, asking you about your life but stopping you mid-way to prattle on about how his mother never bought him a dinosaur toy when he was young and that’s when you realize he has issues.
This happened to me once at Mink and I was just looking at him and wondering why didn’t I just stay home to count the strands of hair I have. I eventually just pretended my ears went off duty and went to dance.
No points for you, selectively-deaf Nicole.
Why hello sexy.
These guys are obviously the most promising and hottest guys in the club. Yet they seemingly want nobody. You will see fellow girls sneakily or damn-girl-you-obvious chicks slowly twerking their way over. Identify them by the way they ignore girls like they are vespas in a ducatti showroom.
They. simply. don’t. care.
Their objectives are very unidentified. My girlfriend had her eye on one and the only way to break these guys are to go for their smoke breaks. Throw your lighter at a nearby bush and pretend you lost yours. Initiate conversation. Good luck!
Sidenote: Me and my girlfriends often have different definitions of hot – my tastes are men in mohawks, men who exude overpowering charm, men who speak English like their first words were “oh god that was an enchantingly refreshing womb stay”. Their requirement is mostly just floppy hair so this is a broad category!
Just in time for X’mas!
Maybe you thought at first they were a cat 4, or a good looking (albeit sleepy) cat 5. Sometimes they could be a manly cat 7. But these guys are have one thing in common: They will surprise you.
Here is how to identify them. They will put a hesitant hand on your waist. They will smile at you shyly. They will talk to you with constant, peaceful eye contact. They will ask for your number, holding up their phone with a half-smile and calling you immediately after. They will ask to send you home or send you to a cab. The ones with friends will hopefully ask you for supper together.
They will send you a last, incredibly sober and extremely exclamation-marky text before you sleep. And it’s usually “hey. hope you’re home safe! go get bathed and sleep soon! I will talk to you tomorrow k? goodnight!” and your night will finally become a little better.
So there you go, more or less the 10 broad types of club guys in Singapore. Whether you’re a chick or a dude reading this, always remember alcohol impairs judgement so always halve the hot-o-meter score you’re giving the person who’s caught your eye to cushion shock when you meet them outside after.
So which type of guy appeals to you most? Which type of Singaporean clubber are you? Any types of guys not included here that you’ll like to share? Let us know in the comments!
Disclaimer: Pictures are just examples, sorry if you find yourself in them, no offence intended! Pictures belong to respective owners as watermarked.
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