Types of Singaporeans in Zouk
Zouk is the modern playground for frivolous twenty-somethings with money to spend and drinks to be drunk. A National Geographic Documentary about animals on heat has nothing on this bad boy, and the dancefloor is filled with scenes even David Attenborough would be proud to narrate. From the watering hole serving Vodka Cranberries like they’re going out of style, to the dark lands of the toilets, no-one forgets their first trip to Zouk.
A night out is made by the people you spend it with. So next time you head to Zouk, keep an eye out for the 19 types of people you’ll likely be able to spot, and see if you’re guilty of appearing on the list yourself.
1. The underage girls who stick out like a sore thumb
Definitely nowhere near 18, they look like they’ve stolen their siblings ID for the night and are trying every known tip under the sun to add some valuable years to their age. Boobs out, lashes on, stripper style heels, the lot. Lots of ‘OH MY GODDDDD’ shrieking, with just a touch of paranoia if the cops walk past.
They can often be found hanging around near the taxis, asking if their ID looks legit or not.
2. Your new BFF
You met in the toilets 10 minutes ago, and she complimented you on your shoes. So now of course you’re best friends forever. She is also now throwing up in said toilets, and there is a 100% chance you will never see her again.
3. The Queen Of RBF
The Medusa of Zouk, this girl means businesses. Forget making friends, this girl’s here to show that she is better than everyone else here. Why? No one will know. Rumour has it, if she accidentally cracks a smile, a fairy will die. Find her standing at the bar judging everyone who dares to dress in last season Gucci, sucking the fun out of everyone nearby.
4. Crying girls exclaiming their love for each other
Love is a beautiful thing. Alcohol induced love girls have for other girls with cute clothes is slightly less wonderful. Extra points if they have vomit in their hair. Could be their own, could be each others, we’ll never know. Can be found sitting outside the club eating overpriced food from the food stand and expressing their emotion like there’s no tomorrow.
“I love your skirt!”
“OMG no I love YOUR skirt!”
5. “I would rather be anywhere else in the world right now than here”
The sad sight of early nighters who have been plucked out of their natural habitat and suffering from netflix withdrawal, is a sight no club goer needs to see. Will not stop looking at their phone, often found crying over the fact they could be in bed right now.
Find these poor souls either sitting on the sinks in the toilet on Instagram, or sitting at the bar outside, with a look of desperation in their eyes.
6. The guardian angel
Can often be found propping up drunk friends/ partners whilst trying to hail them a cab. A thank you from drunks everywhere, we all salute you and what you stand for. Unfortunately also that sway guy who has to explain the drunken behaviour of his bro to impatient bouncers.
7. The lonesome drunk boy
It seems that when boys get catastrophically drunk, they also manage to lose all their friends. Sitting alone and trying not to vomit obviously seems much more fun when doing it alone.
8. Those who don’t want the night to end
It’s 3:50am and everyone’s gone home. Apart from you. You can’t accept the night is over, and it’s not until you go home, as you’re ALWAYS the last to leave. Either painfully drunk or awkwardly sober, this is never the best part of the night. Usually kicks the dancing up a notch when the lights come up.
9. Mr. Steal Your Girl
Well, that’s what he calls himself anyway. Using pick up lines and magic tricks which wouldn’t look out of place from a scene in a cheesy 80’s movie, this guy has one reason and one reason why he’s in Clarke Quay. To try and pick up girls way out of his league, and annoy everyone in the process.
10. The Gold Digger
Often found around old white guys or those with bottles at tables, it’s best to avoid these girls like the plague. That is of course unless you fancy putting them as the sole beneficiary in your will.
11. The ‘Model’
She thinks she’s the next Cara Delevingne, and she wants you all to know it. In reality, she’s done 2 modelling jobs in her life, and has only been paid for one. With her long legs and perfect hair, get ready to watch her strut around Jiak Kim, and guys gawking over her left right and centre.
12. The One With Serious Beer Goggles
That ‘10’ your friend thinks they’re kissing, is much more like a '4'. What’s more fun though, stopping them in the act, or reminding them of their choices the next morning, with the aid of pictures and horrible videos? Maybe that will teach them to handle their alcohol.
13. The Ones With WAY Too Much Money To Blow
They’re either over 40, or are using Daddy’s credit card to buy a table and try and attract women. Also, tend to be horrendously dull, and will only talk about how much that bottle of Belvedere cost them. Yawn. Almost always a Gold Digger magnet.
14. The one who’s actually legal but looks like a 12 year old
When the crew struts in with confidence, there might just be a slim chance of you finally entering without the IC glance. Alas, you hear the usual enquiring “Miss?” from that soul-crushing bouncer who just saw your IC last week. Savage. Meanwhile, your friends hang out around the lollipop machine as you fumble around for your proof of maturity.
15. The PDA couple who makes everyone feel just a tad uncomfortable
There’s a hotel literally next door guys, c’mon.
16. The person who pukes on the dance floor
Thanks pal, cause that’s what I need to get on my new Steve Maddens.
17. People starting fights in the middle of the dance floor because of a slight nudge
GURL we are not on Jersey Shore, please stop pretending you’re a first class diva. Neither are we in an MMA ring.
18. The podium dancers. They'll be on the podiums dancing the entire night
They will have no shame in nudging intruders off. They think they’re auditioning for a Chris Brown music video.
19. The guestlist people
Do they know everyone else hates them? One of the girl’s cousins friends ex knows a DJ, therefore everyone and their pets gets to enter for free.
Go young one, be free and explore Zouk. Drink overpriced vodka cranberries with your friends and cry over your ex from 3 years ago, for you’re only young once! Go out, and meet new people and have a bit of fun, because sometimes all you need in life is sweaty-dancing to overly loud music and a headache the next morning. Next time though, see if you can find all the people on this list before you black out in the cab on the way home.